Embracing Growth: A Journey of Self-Acceptance

You never truly know what a person is going through until you have walked a mile in their shoes. As a young adult, I constantly ask myself who I am? I often felt the need to change who I was based on my environment, and in the process, I sometimes stunted my own growth. These past four years in college have completely changed me, and at times I struggle to accept how I’m stepping out of my shell and letting my voice be heard.

In high school, I was known for being the short little Muslim girl with a scarf on her head. I was shy and quiet unless you were one of my close friends, then I could show my true personality. I let my insecurities hold me back from truly shining. I so desperately wanted to blend in, but I always stood out. In hindsight, there was no way to blend in being one of the few hijabis at school. I viewed myself as short, skinny, and underdeveloped, with problematic skin. I looked around at my peers, with developed bodies and perfect skin, and couldn’t help but feel inadequate. Yes, I had people telling me that I was cute and intelligent, but I didn’t feel that way at the end of the day. I ended my high school career and determined that college was going to be different; I was going to discover and love myself.

When I made that declaration to myself, I never imagined how the end results would turn out. I began college pretty much the same, still shy and reserved, but no longer in hijab. It was not until my second semester that I truly began to step out of my comfort zone and transform. Inside, I still felt like myself and didn’t understand why the people around me treated me differently. I slowly started going out more and coming into my own style. I stopped overthinking and became young, wild, and free; while keeping my grades up and landing an excellent internship.

That summer internship changed my life forever; as much as I gained from the experience, I also lost a piece of myself. I began internalizing everyone’s opinion of my change and started questioning myself. Suddenly, I was viewed as this privileged, pretty, intelligent party girl with nothing to be upset about. I was screaming and crying inside, but I showed a bright smile to the world and highlighted all of my achievements. I felt like my life was becoming a series of unfortunate events, but I had no right to be depressed about them. One day, I started to open up to someone, but they shut it down immediately. I remember. They said, “What do you have to be depressed about, you’re pretty, smart, and you have a bright future ahead of you.” So, I bottled up all of my negative feelings and put back on my bright smile.

I had an internal dilemma, I loved how I was growing and blossoming into my own, but at the same time, I was depressed. I never took a break to deal with my emotions until my bottled-up feelings broke me. I started making terrible decisions and not turning to anyone for help because I felt guilty for being depressed. My parents noticed something was off with me and forced me to go to therapy.

Let me tell y’all my best decision was going to therapy, but I resisted initially. During my first couple of sessions, I insisted nothing was wrong with me and that this was a waste of time. Like most people of color, I had this stigma about going to therapy, and it was only for crazy people.

Eventually, I let some guards down and shared the truth behind my smile. When I smile or giggle, I usually stop a tear from running down my cheek. I informed him my Godmother and one of my close friends passed away about two weeks apart, and losing them was the straw that broke the camel’s back. For the first time, I had an honest moment about how I felt after their passing. All of the tears I held back behind my smile began pouring out. After allowing myself to be vulnerable, I could fully express and let out everything I was going through. I received advice from an unbiased person without any judgment. With the help of my therapist, I stopped feeling guilty and the need to apologize for the way people perceived me.

I’m no longer in therapy but I continue using all the techniques I’ve learned, which helped me grow emotionally. One of the best advice I received from my therapist was to stop caring about everyone’s opinions and do what’s best for you. Embrace all your mistakes and stop apologizing for your decisions; that’s helping you heal. I still struggle to fully accept my change and not crawl back into my shell. I continue to blossom daily, and I love who I am and becoming; my imperfections make me unique. I’m done apologizing for being Kareema.