“I think I’ve lost a lot of my fire, but this summer I’m getting it back, and burning a whole lot of shit down with me.”
You know I found that quote randomly rereading through one of my notebooks, that I wrote around March. I forgot I wrote or that was even a goal of mine for the summer, but so much has changed from March to now and I had to accept a lot of hard lessons. As an end result, I feel like a completely different woman.
I started the year off with barely any fire and my priorities were completely misguided. I was focused on trying to improve my life, but for all the wrong reasons and with such a toxic mindset. I lost sight of all the things that I loved about myself and truly believed that I was a terrible person.
Around that time, my individual therapist retired and my group therapist quit shortly after asking a group of traumatized women to open up. Needless to say, I felt pretty vulnerable and in low headspace. On top of that, I was wasting time trying to prove my love to a man who honestly lost all respect for me a long time ago. I was trying so hard to prove my worth and love to him, but in reality, I should have been proving it to myself. I allowed all of my flashbacks and memories from past decisions to make me lose respect for myself. A feeling and realization that cuts much deeper than anyone else’s words could ever do.
I initially looked at losing my therapists and being dumped as a series of unfortunate events, but in reality, they were blessings in disguise. I took that opportunity to actually work on myself, first accepting and embracing all of my past; the good, bad, and ugly. Then accepting and loving myself in the present and not looking towards a future version of myself, I am working progress, but I’ve finally tuned out all of the negative voices. Finally regaining a sense of worth that I’ve been chasing for a long time. I spent the summer being more proactive on things that genuinely make me smile and gives me a sense of pride. I regained my fire, by finally respecting all parts of myself, and burning down all of the shame and the people who made me feel ashamed. The best part is the fire just getting started, and it’s an even brighter and hotter flame.