A New Flame

“I think I’ve lost a lot of my fire, but this summer, I’m getting it back and burning a lot of shit down with me.”

I found that quote randomly while rereading through one of my notebooks, which I wrote around March. I forgot I wrote or that was even a goal for the summer, but so much has changed from March to now, and I had to accept a lot of hard lessons. As an end result, I feel like a completely different woman.

I started the year with barely any fire, and my priorities needed to be revised. I was focused on improving my life for the wrong reasons and with such a toxic mindset. I lost sight of everything I loved about myself and truly believed I was a terrible person.

Around that time, my individual therapist retired. My group therapist quit shortly after asking a group of traumatized women to open up.
I felt vulnerable and in low headspace. On top of that, I was wasting time trying to prove my love to a man who had lost all respect for me long ago. I was trying hard to prove my worth and love to him, but I should have been proving it myself. I allowed my flashbacks and memories from past decisions to make me lose respect for myself. A feeling and realization that cuts much more profound than anyone else’s words could ever do.

I initially viewed losing my therapists and being dumped as unfortunate events. Still, in reality, they were blessings in disguise. I took that opportunity to work on myself, first accepting and embracing all of my past; the good, bad, and ugly. Then accepting and loving myself in the present and not looking towards a future version of myself, I am working on progress. Still, I’ve finally tuned out all of the negative voices. Finally regaining a sense of worth, I’ve been chasing for a long time. I spent the summer being more proactive on things that genuinely make me smile and give me a sense of pride. I regained my fire by finally respecting all parts of myself and burning down all the shame and the people who made me feel ashamed. The best part is that the fire is just starting, and it’s an even brighter and hotter flame.