Therapy Chronicles:Growth

After about a month or two, I was over therapy. I kept asking my therapist when I would be cured and feel like myself again. I so desperately wanted to feel like the same eighteen-year-old starting college. Just erase all the trauma, heartbreak, and grief; just start adulthood again. Life was kicking my ass, and my mind was picking up where the world left off at night. I would never be or feel the same way as I did when I was eighteen.

I spent a lot of energy trying to fake the woman I thought I was supposed to be instead of being honest with myself and those around me. I spent so much time ashamed of all the scars life gave me and covered them with lies and secrets. The truth was that I was robbing myself of my growth by trying to recreate a past version of myself. I’ve grown and matured from my experiences, giving me a new outlook and perspective on the world. My darkest days and lowest moments aren’t something to be ashamed of, yes, it left scars, but it’s just proof I survived moments that could have killed me.

There was no magic cure, and I would never feel like my old self again. I’ve grown, not into the woman a younger version of myself imagined, but the woman I am meant to be. The most important lesson I learned from therapy is to live in the present. Love and be kind to who I am right now, and embrace my scars because those are valuable pieces of my story. I ultimately learned my scars are evidence of strength, not weakness.

I basically had to learn to say fuck off to all of the shame and pressure I put on myself.