Posted in Relationships

Everybody’s​ a Vilain

As much as I like to reflect upon my love life and always see myself as the innocent princess, that overcame heartbreak, but that’s not completely true. 

My college years have definitely been eventful and left a couple of broken-hearted casualties along the way. I remember my freshman year after I accepted the internship with the US Coast Guard, I needed to get in shape ASAP. I ended up getting this guy I always saw working out around campus to help whip me into shape. 

Honestly, I was just being myself and was super surprised when I found out he liked me. Unfortunately, my motto was too just go with the flow, but that’s a terrible mentality when it comes to dating. It wasn’t until maybe two weeks in, I realized I needed to end this “relationship”  because honestly, it was only one-sided.  While I was still living a single lifestyle, he was falling for me deeper. 

Trying not to hurt his feelings, and postpone the breakup only made things worst. So, like a coward one morning I broke up with him over text, and gave the worlds most cliche excuse “it’s not you, it’s me”. We ran to each other at a party the following weekend, and he confronted me asking what can he do to make things better. I don’t really remember the conversation, but I do remember the hurt in his eyes. That moment I knew, I’ll always be the villain in his story.

Honesty, everyone is the villain in someone’s story, we’re all humans and make mistakes. I just try to improve upon myself. If he does happen to ever read this, I am sorry, and was just immature and wasn’t used to male attention. 

Posted in Relationships

Fire Sisters

Most of my relationship posts tend to be about a failed love, missed opportunity, or just bad timing with some man. I do have several other successful and prospering relationships, not romantic, but just as special. This one, in particular, is going on four years strong, and each day we become closer; with my freshmen year roommate. 

Initially, it was just a very friendly roommate relationship, but second semester something changed. We became true friends, that blossomed into being besties. We both were experiencing so much for the first time together, and we helped each other grow along the way. 

We have two very different strong personalities, with different backgrounds, but our differences brought out something special in one another. Once we truly got to know each other, we realized we have the most important things in common; mutual respect and a desire to be successful. 

This woman is beyond dependable, and always right there when I need her. She has a strong exterior shell and firmly believes in tough love, and we share mutual mentality no woman left behind! Over the course of our friendship, we’ve been through some crazy trials and tribulations both individually and together. Each test brings us closer together, and we are no longer just friends, she’s my sister. We may not always agree with each other’s choices and the way we handle situations, but we are always there to support and help one another to be the best versions of ourselves. Most importantly gladly give a nice kick in the ass to one another to keep moving forward, until we set this world on fire, with our names in the ashes.  

Posted in Relationships

Let’s Talk About Sex

I have struggled for years about my relationship and beliefs when it comes to sex. I was raised to believe that sex is reserved for marriage, or at least between two people who truly love each other. I placed so much value on my virginity, to the point I tied it to my self-worth and esteem. As an adult, I’m slowly learning it doesn’t matter! I’m way more than my sexual encounters! I remember in a book I read, it said women were created to be desired; that line has always stuck with me, but I still can’t figure what it means to me. 

I just know as a young Muslim woman, I’m going through my own sexual revolution. I’ve spent so much time concerned about waiting until marriage, or not letting my number get too high. Appearing to be innocent, or a good girl worthy for marriage, when at the end of the day none of that matters! The conversation needs to be about consent, safe sex, respect, and mutual satisfaction! 

I personally believe when it comes to sex, do what makes you happy! This is a personal decision only you can make, and too many people get the decision stolen from them! The scars of not being able to make that decision last a lifetime. 

Posted in Relationships

Fear

Looking back on all of my relationships, I’ve discovered a pattern about myself. I’m extremely private and guarded. I don’t allow most people to see my complete unfiltered self. I let people see as much as I want or trust them to see.

I feel like all of my relationships are here for a reason, and very few are universal. I put all of the people in my life in some type of category unconsciously. I love them all equally, but each person serves and a different purpose. 

Very few amounts know about all of the skeletons in my closet. I guess I am scared if people truly get to know the unguarded version of myself, they’ll leave. My secrets and walls are a way of protecting myself from getting hurt. I am actually terrified of letting people in and revealing any of the hidden parts. I’d rather just show a happy smile and hope no one asks what I’m hiding behind it. At this point in my life, I am unapologetically guarded!

Posted in Relationships

Sorrow

 

I am an extremely guarded and private person. It takes me a while to warm up and trust people, but when I do I love them for life. I truly consider all of my friends family and would do anything for them.

Something I consider to be a curse and a blessing it is hard for me to let people go. I’m not too fond of blocking and completely cutting someone off, especially if I believe the negative feelings are just temporary. Although, I have cut people off, and completely removed them from my life, and for the most part happy with the decision. Except for in one case, that I’ll regret for the rest of my life. 

He was an extraordinary person, who could brighten up a room with his smile. We both shared a common love for law enforcement and military. His goal after graduation was to join the Metropolitan Police Department and I want to join the Navy. We would talk for hours, venting about our love lives, goals, fears, and anything else on our mind. He was truly a brother to me and was there for me during a rough point in my life. 

Like any siblings, we argued and got pissed at each other. We had a really bad argument one January, and it felt like the friendship was over. Eventually, we grew from the ice silence to speaking when we saw one another. We once again started our corny jokes and catching up if passed each other through buildings. I am positive if we had more time, we would be back to normal by now. 

Unfortunately, life did not work out that way. September of that same year, he was murdered. An amazing human being just gone. When I heard the news, I was motionless in disbelief, and an overwhelming feeling that I let my friend down.

I feel so guilty and have so many regrets when it comes to him, and just wish I had the chance to have one last conversation. I feel like he has no idea how much he meant to me and truly valued our friendship. I miss him so much and on the mark of the second anniversary of his passing my heart is breaking like it just happened yesterday.