Posted in The Afro Muslimah

A Fitness Journey

As we all know by now, I have a love-hate relationship with my body. I’m always searching for this perfect figure or maybe a nonexistent magic number on the scale to make me happy, but my New Year resolution is to get back in shape and eat healthier. Whatever size or weight I end up with that’s what it’s going to be. I need to learn to love my body the way it is, and not some unknown expectation. 

I’ve said all these beautiful words before, but this time feels different. I have real fitness goals and I’m doing it for myself, no longer seeking some outside validation that I’ll never receive. So, the first step was my diet. I simply wanted to cut down on my sugar intake, and for me, that was juice and sodas. I increased my daily amount of water and tried to only drink one cup of juice a day. I’m also a late-night eater, I get the hungriest around 10 PM and would eat a full meal and then go straight to sleep. That needed to end immediately, so I try to stop eating at 8:30 PM. I had to reduce the amount of junk food I eat as well if I wanted to obtain a healthy diet.

After I got a nice flow with my diet, it was time to focus on the fitness component of this healthy lifestyle. Initially, I only had one goal, to run a mile in seven minutes or less. So, after I did my cardio for the day I was pretty much done. The closer I came to reaching the goal, the more I wanted to push my body to get stronger. Then the stay at home order hit, and all the gyms closed and I came back home with my parents. That was definitely a setback and lost my motivation to continue with my fitness goals. Then one sad night eating junk, I realized I didn’t want all my hard work to go to waste. 

So, that next day I ran my mile and made my little brother do some home workouts with me. I increased my water to a minimum of eight cups a day and at my last meal by 8 PM. I reduced junk to twice a week, and juice only once a week. My body and skin started to show that my hard work was paying off, but more importantly, I started to feel good and proud of myself. I found joy in working out, it’s no longer a chore, but a therapeutic release.

I can’t say now I’m in love with my body and the way I look, but I am done trying to be fit, thick, or whatever else I wanted to be for some external validation. Honestly, up until a couple of nights ago talking to one of my best friends, I didn’t even feel like I was accomplishing anything, but I am. I’m sticking to this healthy lifestyle and proving all of my negative thoughts wrong. 

Posted in Misunderstood Adventures

Quarantine Days

I can’t believe all this time in the house and I’ve barely written anything. I have tons of notes and ideas scribbled down but haven’t actually written a post. So, I’ll just tell y’all what I have been up to.

I decided to go home and spend the stay at home order with my parents and younger brother, which has its pros and cons. For the most part, it’s been nice, and I am enjoying my time at home. I don’t, however, enjoy hiding food from my hungry hippo of a teenage brother who eats everything in sight. I’m extremely territorial, so the food I pick out for myself I feel this internal rage when someone else eats it, but then I must remember I didn’t actually pay for it, so I calm my broke self down. To reduce my desire to snack and just eat out of boredom throughout the day, I have increased my daily water intake drastically. As a result, I can officially put peeing as one of my hobbies, it’s crazy!

Not only did I increase my water, but I have been eating relatively healthy. I still, of course, indulge in some comfort food, but I haven’t been eating out and I’ve been cooking all of my meals. Since all of the gyms closed, I’ve been trying to keep active. So I decided to become my little brother’s personal trainer and I make him workout with me every day for at least 30 min. When it’s nice outside we do the workouts in the backyard, I know one day he’ll be grateful for this, even though now all I get is complaints and backtalk. I am loving this bonding time I get to spend with him and going to miss it when life goes back to normal.

Now I have binge-watched so many shows and currently re-watching every single Marvel movie in order. I guess during that time I could have been doing something productive, enhance my knowledge, or even just do some type of maintenance with my blog, but I didn’t feel like it. I’m at peace and don’t regret any of my choices. However, I am now ready to make better use of my time and I can’t think of a better time since Ramadan has just begun. Hopefully, these next 30 days will be healing and help me find some inner peace. 

Ramadan Mubarak to all of my fellow Misunderstood Muslimahs and Muslims!  

Posted in The Afro Muslimah

Just As I Am

For the majority of my life, I have been obsessed with my weight! I’ve either been too skinny or too fat, but never did I look in the mirror and was happy with what I saw. Besides my obvious insecurity about my skin, which I speak about in “Diary of a Problematic Brown Skin Girl”, I also have body image issues and am exhausted of always feeling like I’m not good enough.

I’m always seeking to have a new body, either a past size or a future desire. I can’t remember a time looking at a picture of myself and feeling satisfied. Well, I’m officially exhausted of not feeling like enough. I’m done trying new diets to obtain a different body, because at the end of the day, who am I trying to please? I say it is for me, but if I am being truly honest with myself, it’s for outside approval that will never be granted.

As much as I wish I could just erase this toxic mindset I’ve developed over the years, it’s just not easy. It’s working progress with truly loving oneself. I use daily body positive affirmations. I replace all of my critiques with compliments, while I stare at the mirror examing my body, rather than focusing on my flaws.

Hopefully this time next year, I will truly feel the confidence I fake in public. In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy all my meals and just focus on being happy.

Posted in The Afro Muslimah

What I Want.

I want to unapologetic guilt-free blissfully live my life! I want to stop thinking about what I am supposed to do and just live my life. I want to stop feeling guilty and thinking about the people I’m disappointed with my decisions. I want to stop looking at my body with disgust, looking at all of societies imperfections. I want to be able to fall in love with whoever I want without fear of breaking religious and cultural restrictions. I want to be able to share all the pain in my heart without hearing “this is God’s will” or “God will get you through this”. I want to be able to share my beliefs, without being told I’m wrong. I want to stop always having to be a strong black woman. 

Maybe this is just too much to ask for, or I should say fuck it and do me; my constant internal dilemma.