My PCOS Struggles: Embracing Flaws and Finding Confidence

PCOS is a gift that gave me my biggest insecurities: my skin, acne, and facial hair. As I have stated in the previous parts of My PCOS Life, I was a symptom fighter before I was ready to deal with the realities of my condition.

I started to develop acne around 12 or 13 years old. I thought it was relatively mild, but I began to hate my reflection because I was the only hijabi in my school, and ignorant children found creative ways to highlight my imperfections. I wanted a quick fix, and unfortunately, a proper skincare routine took patience and consistency, which would not work for me. So, I begged my mom to allow me to wear makeup. My mother shut that idea down but bought me an excellent skincare system I barely used. Before I knew it, not only did my acne progressively increase, but I also started to develop facial hair; lucky me.

The facial hair came in soft and relatively unnoticeable until one day in history class. A group of 3-to 4 kids pointed out my facial hair and called me a hairy terrorist; the worst part was, it wasn’t even cleaver. So, that’s when I began to Nair my face. The hair started to grow progressively faster and coarser, but for the most part, Nair gave me a smooth finish. And the following year, I could finally wear makeup, and the coverup was in full effect.

Y’all, if I’m being honest, I felt like a hideous boy going through puberty. I was petite and president of the itty bitty titty committee, developing facial hair and acne; the only thing I felt was feminine about myself was my period and hijab. And I could have lived without the period, lol. So, needless to say, I was insecure. I was constantly on defense, trying to hide the fact that I had facial hair from everyone in my life. Eventually, my older brother discovered, and at the time, he had a supportive reaction, but not really. He’d point it out whenever he saw a hair or a little stubble. I’d always feel ashamed and embarrassed; the worst part is it was mostly in public.

Y’all, it was exhausting to always hide in the bathroom while waiting for the Nair to work and constantly be on guard. In college, it was worse! I lived in a dorm with a communal bathroom, and time management was critical! I learned my suitmates’s schedules and time my Nair time out perfectly! I no longer felt like a hideous teenage boy; I felt like a young woman with many flaws. I was always hiding some part of myself, and even to this day, keeping secrets makes me feel safe. But I must admit, telling y’all is exceptionally freeing and therapeutic.

BUT, y’all will have to wait until next time to hear how I overcame my insecurities and learned to love my reflection.