From Dark Times to Self-Compassion

After revealing the truth behind my smile, my therapy sessions became less superficial. I was in such a dark place, lost faith in Islam, lost belief in Allah(SWT), and lost the value of my own life. My mind gave me no rest, a constant haunting of pain.

I was putting myself in dangerous situations and perfected self-sabotaging. Each week I would sit and tell my therapist about the new wild adventure I got myself into. For the most part, he would just listen and give me a safety lesson but gave me space to fully express all of my shenanigans.

One day he asked,” What do you love about yourself?” and my mind went blank. It was a struggle to think of anything I genuinely loved about myself during that time. I could think of a billion things I hated, and even more, I wanted to improve. So, as a result, my answer was silence and a smile.

At that moment, it was clear that I had lost love for myself and desperately needed to regain it; if I stood a chance of getting out of that dark place. My therapist often gave weekly assignments, and that week was to sit down and list five things I loved about myself.

My first attempt was heartbreaking in hindsight. I stared in the mirror and planned to write some physical characteristics, but instead burst into tears. I hated the woman staring back at me and felt unworthy of any positive words. Showing myself compassion and love was a difficult concept for me to comprehend. I eliminated the mirror and just focused on my character. I knew I had to work from the inside out to achieve true self-love. It took me a while, and I initially barely believed it, but I finally wrote a list.

• Loyal
• Witty
• Intelligent 
• Persistent 
• Loving

Being compassionate to myself and practicing self-care is a lifelong journey. Each day I gain the confidence of knowing my life is priceless and I’m more than worthy as I am now.